Hollywood Script

Thanks for helping me understand what comedy writing is all about. Your advice to see "Sideways", create haunting images, and to keep it real paved the way for the rewrite which won this contest.

"Joseph H. Holland, a former soup-kitchen minister from Harlem, NY, was awarded 1st place in the annual "The Word On Screen Christian Screenwriting Competition" '05, with his script "Undercover Grace."

Holland's buddy-preacher comedy won the lion's share of the $10,000 cash prize, sponsored by 20th Century Fox Home Entertainment.

The entertaining story and snappy dialogue bounce between a cynical fallen white priest, a devout black minister and an attractive but skeptical female DEA agent.

" It's like Mel Gibson and Danny Glover as sparring preachers with Hilary Swank as the referee," said contest director Erik Joseph. Screen Word Ent. also sponsored the contest, along with Hollywood Creative Directory.

Holland was awarded $9,500 cash, a one-year option, a first-look at Fox, and two hundred dollars value in industry resource books.

20th Century Fox Home Entertainment sponsored the Christian-based/family values script contest with the goal of discovering and developing excellent new writing. Fox was also looking for crossover potential.

" Undercover Grace" is preachers versus inner-city thugs, with dialogue that quotes scripture countered with wise-ass rebuttal.

Although Fox has first right of refusal, a development executive for a major male action star has requested the winning script."

Craig,

A while back I had a wonderful consultation with you about my thriller SHAKEDOWN. Afterwards I did a great rewrite, and entered the script into numerous competitions.

So far SHAKEDOWN has:

Reached the TOP TWENTY-FIVE of the International Screenwriting Awards.

Finished in the TOP THIRTY of the Script Magazine Contest.

Is Currently in the SEMI-FINALS of the American Accolades.

Reached the 2nd ROUND of the Austin Film Festival Contest.

Finished in the SEMI-FINALS of the Fade-In Contest.

Received an HONORABLE MENTION in the Filmmakers Contest.

Craig, many thanks for the brilliant insights and ideas I gained
through our consultation.

Yours Sincerely,

Stephen Leach.
leachs@gofree.indigo.ie

I have to tell you that I spent the evening after our conversation just laughing in delight and amazement--I felt like Joey at the end of my script, astonished at how everything that seemed to be going so awfully was actually working out perfectly.

That night I had a dream about a plant struggling to survive in dry, cracked soil. The plant was picked up, and watered with cool, refreshing water. It flourished almost immediately. Your advice and support on this project have been INVALUABLE to me in ways I'm not even consciously aware of yet.

Your notes--even the smallest ones--were very perceptive, and I am so much happier with the latest draft. More importantly, however, you gave me the courage to trust my instincts as a writer, and that makes all the difference. I cannot thank you enough.

I can't thank you enough for the terrific feedback. The phone conversation and taped critique couldn't have been clearer, more to the point or more helpful. It's hard to find a reader who is really trustworthy, whose opinion and reaction are truly valuable. The only catch was, you gave me such an interesting and deep perspective that I've had to sit here for several weeks just contemplating. Now that I'm back to work on my project, though, it's moving along more quickly and easily. I'm just really sorry that you aren't teaching in Keene any more. Isn't there anything we could do to get you to come back? All the best.

Dear Judy,

I just read the article in the newsletter about the "trick" you mentioned...
The planets suddenly aligned, the lock released, "sesame" was spoken and the doors opened. As I've read pro scripts I've wondered what the
indescribable thing is that is missing from my "Action" lines. This is it.
You put your finger squarely on it.

Thanks for the tip. My scripts will never be the same.

I don't know if you remember or not, but I hired you to consult with me on my spec script about a (omitted) last year. I just wanted to contact to let you know that on the strength of that script I was hired by an independent producer do a rewrite on a script he has in development. It was after I revised the script according to your suggestions that I sent it out, and I think your comments and guidance played an invaluable role in the development of the story. Just wanted to say thanks.

Dear Craig,

I received your e-mail this morning but couldn't respond until now. I wanted to write to you last night and tell you how grateful and fortunate I feel to have you work with me on my scripts. But I was too exhausted to put it into words. You went over page for page and it took 2 and 1/2 hours. We were both mentally drained. I immediately went over the notes and am planning a re-write in a few days. I know exactly what I need to do and how to do it. ...The conflicts will explode from the page. I am also sure that I know where you are coming from as to clarity because of the innumerable examples that you gave me. I had no idea I was being unclear but I see where you are coming from.

And I appreciate all your kind words and encouragement. I'm determined to whip my deficiencies and hone my craft. If I only have one character trait - it is persistence.

Received Judy's great notes on my script. And I've had a couple of follow up e-mail questions where she certainly went above and beyond with her great answers. I want you to know really how fortunate I feel that I have access to you both. I've taken all your comments to heart and I'm re-writing my work at a fever pitch. You did what I asked you to do: be brutal. And I certainly needed it.

Judy--thanks once again for your invaluable comments, criticisms and suggestions. I look forward to seeing your notes. But as I told you, you are the first one to give me concrete examples of criticisms and actual suggestions on how to
fix problems. It will be easy to strip down the story - I already have an 88 page version. And with your suggestions I will be able to rebuild it in a way that will satisfy me and I hope, a buyer.

Craig--A very big thank you!! to you for hanging in there with me, for re-reading my script and for being willing to go the extra mile to help me, even though you were frustrated and angry. I very much appreciate your honesty and integrity, and for sharing the story of your own process. After we spoke I went to Malibu and walked on Broad Beach. I did a lot of writing on cards Samantha's relationships and b.g. The main thing is that I was excited again, whereas for the past week I've felt very depressed and lost. I had been praying for guidance on whether to abandon the script, or not, and you helped provide the answer. Thank you so much for pointing out all the incongruencies and also for helping me see how I can make the third act work. If you still want to work with me, I would love to consult with you on my story until I get it down...

Hi Craig-The tape arrived in today's mail. Thank you for your most insightful comments. At least ten people have read this screenplay in various stages of development. You are the ONLY person who has given me the kind of constructive criticism necessary to take this from a good idea to a real movie script. I am truly energized... I especially appreciate your telling
me both what doesn't work and what does!

I look forward to sharing my next draft with you and in working together on
future projects.

I just finished listening to the tape you sent me. I felt like Peter Graves waiting for the smoke to come pouring out of his Sony recorder. I fuckin' loved it! I'm seeing things I missed before. I don't want to give you a woody but you definitely know your shit. Not that I agree with everything you optioned, but the majority kicked ass.

FIRST OF ALL, I CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH FOR SETTING UP MY IDEA INTO INTRO, MIDDLE AND END!! I REALLY APPRECIATE THAT. AFTER READING IT THE WAY YOU SET IT UP I, THE CREATOR, UNDERSTOOD IT BETTER!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE ANOTHER PERSON UNDERSTANDS MY OWN IDEAS BETTER THAN ME!!! WELL, I GUESS THAT'S WHY YOUR ONE OF THE BEST. SO A BIG HUGE THANK YOU:)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Judy:

Just wanted to drop you a note to say THANKS for all the thought you put
into my script. It was very clear that you'd not only read it but
voyaged significantly beneath the surface of both plot and character and raised a couple of issues that never occurred to me but that were dead-on valid. I look forward to receiving the tape!

I also want to say that the conversation was a lot of fun as well as
insightful. You have a very good sense of humor! I really look forward
to working with you and Craig on future scripts.

Craig,
Thanks for the quotes. I am totally zooted by your words. It is the most encouraging thing anyone has ever said about me and for that I am eternally grateful. I look forward to our next consulting session.

Craig you are awesome. That was literally the best $150 I have ever spent in my life. It is now down to 23,320 words. I cut it by 21 pages and added two crucial scenes that tie it together..... It is such a better script because of you. You are tremendously talented and I appreciate your inspired guidance. Thank you for you kind words. The script still needs more work, but it is almost midnight, and I am done for the day.

Craig--Congratulations. Creative Screenwriting magazine rated you the eight best script consultant in the United States, which means the world. My screenwriting list posted the results on its digest yesterday. I was honored working with you before, now I'm in awe. But I digress, you'll probably receive a number of contacts from the list. I hope you keep a date open for me. I'm almost done with another script.

Judy--
I've received my micro notes and I just want to say
that they're great. Your service is well worth the
money and your efforts to please are far beyond what I
expected.

Taking some time off from the script has helped me
refocus. Your notes are very thorough and
professional, and have helped me see a new light in
screen writing.

I should be talking to you again within the next
month or so about revision work.

Craig, I was quite pleased and motivated by your feedback yesterday. That there was something not quite right with the script...your comments helped demystify the what and why. And now I guess it's my turn to work on the how's of fixing it.

Just wanted to take a moment and drop you a quick line. Per your advice, I rewrote the query letter for my screenplay. After that I sent out a dozen or so emails to production companies and producers. Much to my pleasant surprise I received three responses from companies wanting to read my script. I checked them out and they are even listed in the Hollywood Creative Directory so I assume they are legit companies. Hopefully something positive will come of this, perhaps an option or maybe even an offer to purchase. Thanks again for your help.

Dear Craig
....I will be sending the script tomorrow, and you should have it in-hand by Friday.... Your critique was very constructive. I hope you can see where I heeded your advice and made changes. You were complimentary, yet constructively critical, and detailed. I learned a lot, and I hope your good work makes you proud of me.

Judy--I got the ms. back today. Boy, there’s still a lot of work to do. I wish I had worked this novel out with you originally. Probably be published by now. Glad you liked the new additions. It's all based on what you've shown me (and told me). :) Writing toward feelings makes a big difference! Especially for this kind of novel.

Craig--
Thanks again for all your input, and I look forward to getting your tape. Getting advice from you seems easy because I agree with (almost) everything you say. I already have some ideas that should improve the script.

The rewrite is coming along pretty well. I still have a few things to ponder until the solutions arise, but it's getting there. If I think I need further clarity, I'll be sure to let you know.

This whole thing has been such an incredible learning experience for me. Thanks again for your invaluable help. I'll let you know how things go.

Craig-Just wanted to thank you for yesterday. First and foremost for your time, insight, and for making sure that this writer is not so heaven bound she's no earthly good! Talk to you in the future.

Craig-
I just recieved your first newsletter...I was simply blown away by it! It was chock full of helpful hints and tips. I am a first time writer. I feel I have a incredible story to tell. Thank you for sharing your expertise.

Heya Craig,
Wanted to get back to you after our conference call the other day.
Simply put, both you and Judy really did a wonderful job wading through
(title omitted) and I now have a very clear perspective on what needs to be addressed. I'm presently in the midst of instituting the amendments. Having your input as well as Judy's was a genuine embarrassment of riches, but one I'm thankful for nonetheless.

Please pass on to Judy my thanks. Keep in touch, and I'll do the same.

Received your tape yesterday. I am very impressed in your thorough evaluation. Love the compliments and critique. I'm getting busy with your instructions. I will reply very shortly with another draft.

Just received & reviewed the audio tape you sent regarding.......... The quality of feedback was exceptional. I appreciate your candid approach.

Craig-
Thank you for your thoughtful consultation. You're right, it's a lot to take in, so I'm letting your notes distill. Most of all, I appreciate your generous spirit in addition to your story hounding (something I know the script can benefit from) I never felt discouraged (apart from the given disappointment of not hearing the words "It's perfect, ready to send out, don't change a syllable, I'll pass it along to my agent or better yet, Peter Weir, immediately).

I'm going to the Squaw Valley writers conference in Lake Tahoe where I'll be assigned a professional screenwriter as mentor to continue the process you and I have begun.

I look forward to working with you again on other projects and will definitely recommend you to others in my writers' group.

dear craig, thanks for your great input monday. i can hardly wait to get the audio tape so that i can get to work on things. After trying demos for a few different software programs, i settled on "scriptthing" and ordered one today.i was amazed at how useful a screenwriting software program can be to keep you on track with formatting and writing. i was very pleased with your advice and will put it to good use. i'm so glad you didn't use the phrase"it sucks". eagerly awaiting your tape.

Dear Judy,

I enjoyed our talk a lot! Learned mucho, a lot to take in. Can't wait to
get your tape and ms. and go back over this. Soon, I have a partial novel
I'd like to send to you for your review as well. I wish you had read (title omitted) first before I'd sent it out to so many publishers. I could have caught some of these problems. Oh, well. Maybe there's still hope if I can find another publisher after I make these changes.

Dear Craig,
Thank you for your quick reply. And yes, keep sending me the newsletter. Very helpful. I have already had Judy critique the revision and am now integrating all of her comments. She was very helpful as you were and I really feel now that this screenplay is evolving into something significant. I was very pleased with the sensitivity with which Judy zeroed in on the heart of the story and insisted that I frame everything based on that fully developed story line. It is really working for me and I have all but finished this newly revised verson. When it is finished, I will get it back to Judy to have her opinion on how it developed since the re-writes. You and Judy have given me a re- newed inspiration. Thanks again for all of your assistance

Craig--I've spent the week thinking about and utilizing your analysis. By defining the problem Paula has with her husband not only clarified that issue, but gave me another reinforcement of Roger's naivete and a foreshadowing of his inability to "blow 'em a kiss and slam the door when you leave" when dealing with the betrayal.

Your kind words on my chances as a sreenwriter have bolstered my confidence. Lucky for me, I understand that such a compliment means doubling my efforts.

I received your tape today---thanks for all your critiques and suggestions. The advice you gave will only make me a better screenwriter, and it was worth every penny. I have two new and interesting ideas for scripts, but they'll just have to wait (however, I am keeping a journal). The rewrite planning has begun. Once I'm confident in the new draft, you'll be the first to read it.

Excellent service you do. I listened to the tape straight through and found it throughly enjoyable. I found all the comments to be very fair, and put in a nice way. Thanks for the praise midway through (yes, it was my first screenplay).

Hi Craig & Judy,
I finally received last night the transcription, hard copy & disc, of
the last audio cassette (This is the only way I could concentrate on
each and every word/sentence/paragraph). After a first read-through, I must express my respect and gratitude to Judy for her serious comments and the way she treated the issues. I think Judy's idea of enhancing Joanne’s role in the script is excellent! Cheers, Judy! Anyway, I appreciate the work done from the bottom of my heart.

OK Craig Kellem, I now detect the sincerity in you that I was searching for. Again, I hope I didn't offend you but as you so accurately expressed, in the beginning, all a writer has is his story and that story is something he guards with his life, even if it is copywritten and WGA registered and even if it's a pile of crap. Thank you for your nice words about my query letter and more importantly, thanks for easing my apprehension, as I now feel comfortable and even look forward to working with you. I'll will return to your web page or either call you to find out how to proceed. I believe I read that your services cost $150 so it may take me a minute to scrape up the dough but I think you'll definitely be hearing from me. And again, thank you for your comforting response. You could have just as easily told me to take my script and shove it--NY style.

Dear Craig,
Thanx for the information packet you sent me. I've found it very informative. I've also been hard at work rewriting my script. Your input was very valuable and it gave me the clarity that I needed to write, what I think is, a far better script. I incorporated about 80-90% of the suggestions you gave me but most importantly, I've totally scrapped the ending.....I've converted it into something that I think is far more believable--and sellable. I'll gladly send you a copy if you'd like to read it, just let me know and again, thanx for everything.

I'm sitting here with a copy of THE MALTESE FALCON in one hand and a scalpel in the other; ready for surgery.

First off, thanks for the uplifting, in-depth critique. It was well worth the fee. I'd love to venture up to New Hampshire and take a seat in one of your classes but I figure the commute would eventually kill me.

I think I'll take you up on your offer, though. If I can pick your brain and swap invigorating thoughts about screenwriting, whether it be at your leisure or on the business end of it; your opinion would be greatly appreciated.

Craig -- Just wanted to say a quick thank you for again, giving me the best notes of anyone I know. You are a tremendous resource for writers of any caliber and I just wanted to say how much I appreciated it.

Craig, just a quicknote from downunder to thank you for your newsletter. nformative and very easy to read. Where were you when I studied script writing twenty years ago? I feel that, reading your stuff, I understand the cardinal points for the first time. What a pity I hadn't been reading your advice a year before I started my novel (which I've recently finished.) Were I to begin now, I would have taken a different approach in line with your advice, saved myself seven re-writes and produced a fare better book.

Many thanks for yet again giving your welcome advice. As a 1st time writer I am understandably nervous so to speak. I was worried whether I was being "left in the cold" so suddenly after such a positive response and contact. But thanks for the peace of mind. If this project gets anywhere I'll be sure to mention your name and your kind help...

So far it's going pretty well. Your notes made perfect sense. Also thank you for all the help you gave me in our phone session! After we spoke, I really looked forward to sitting down in front of the computer again, knowing I wasn't stuck anymore. Thanks.

Mr. Kellem, just wanted to thank you for your wonderful "Top Ten List". It was refreshing to hear a professional talk some about creativity, instead of the don'ts on format and packaging. You actually inspired me a little this morning, so I'll get back to polishing my script.

And Craig, thanks again for all of your creative input. Just for the hell of it, after we finished our discussion last night I reviewed my notes from our first script conference in August. I couldn't believe how far I've come. Your comments have always been dead on, and most importantly, concrete enough for me to act on. You've been really instrumental in helping me shape the script into something I can feel proud of -- and I look forward to working with you again real soon.

Craig, thanks so much for the constructive feedback. I am amazed that you spent so much time on the phone with me, and that you never rushed me. I appreciate that.

Although I felt a bit "blue" after hearing the critique, it was important for me to hear it straight. I spent two days wondering how I was ever going to make it work... Inspiration has hit! Damnit, it's going to be better than ever!!

Craig, i am just writing this to you because i would like to thank you for sending me the newsletter on screen writing, i really learnt alot from just reading 1 issue! and i would like to say that it is a great and thourough newsletter and i loved it.

Craig, Got your newsletter couple of days ago. Loved it! Thanks for the inspiration. Your insight and wisdom was greatly appreciated. Keep up the good work.

Dear Craig, I got your tape today. It was great. You are amazing. I am feeling = very good about the script now. We have come a long way :) I love how = detailed you are. You did a wonderful job of helping me polish. You are ten times worth the money you charge.

Hi Craig:
I received your tape today. Now, I clearly see what you mean by getting in and out of scenes. What a difference it makes. Your questions regarding certain scenes and dialog were right on the money. Some of my writing didn't make sense or else the dialog was useless. Again your comments about the information on the disks was so accurate. It is confusing. I am rewriting them now. Even though I had positive feedback from other individuals on my script, I knew something was wrong. My gut instinct was to go with you and hey I was right in doing so. Thank you very much for all your help. You saved me from sending out a script that was not ready and most certainly rejection from the studios. I will talk to you later!

Dear Craig: I can't thank you enough for the insight you gave me on the script, but more importantly, teaching me how to invest more of myself into my characters. I had never been taught that until tonight. Thank you. I will be in touch.

Hi Craig,
Thanks again for your very insightful comments yesterday regarding my script. After I hung up, I spent the entire evening thinking about our conversation -- and about your excellent suggestions for tightening and improving the story -- it's truly amazing how many nailheads you whomped during our session!

Unfortunately I woke up, wide awake, at four AM this morning, chomping at the bit to get to work on it again!

Craig,
Just thought I'd touch base with a few things. First, I've heard all your tape, and I'm very impressed with it. You really read and understood what I was trying to do, and your comments show it. At times I swear you seemed to understand the script better than I did. It feels like I took an uneducated stab at it, and your advice will really put it on a sound structure and give it a great polish. Well worth the price.

(I wrote a book once, which was bad, but the guy who read it and confirmed it was bad never seemed to get behind or understand what I was trying to do.)

An example of the great direction you gave was when you'd say, "Make this part funnier." This seemed scary at first, because it seemed impossible to just say, "Oh, yeah, I'll just make it funnier, no problem." But you gave enough description of how to do it that it was instantly obvious in most cases how to make it funnier. I think you'll like those changes.

Thanks again for your review of my script. I learned a lot from your insight and now realize the faults in my writing and how to fix them. I really appreciate your candid approach because you tell it like it is and I would have it no other way. It's best to realize your trouble areas and fix them, than to be led astray believing that the way you are approaching it is correct.

Dear Craig; I know you're a busy man but I just wanted to say cheers for the analysis. Your input and perspective (and encouragement) were absolutely invaluable, especially for bringing home the realization that for all the smart talk with which I might try and imbue my characters, they're nothing if the narrative endoskeleton is not intact and workable.

Bare-bones story work, with pen and paper rather than keyboard, is far less grueling and more rewarding than I expected, but I am surprised by the degree to which it seems the second draft may differ from the first, even if
the mood and essence might remain. New scenes that I'm developing from a story/coherence standpoint now show the potential to be fun and interesting in themselves, giving me more confidence to ditch others that I might have
liked but which are not really appropriate.

Long way to go for (omitted), but your analysis has been the single most valuable lesson I've received as a wannabe screenwriter.

I'd like to thank you for the helpful insight you gave into my
script. Like anyone, I hate to hear the bad stuff about my material. But I also knew ahead of time that I didn't buy it. So how can I expect to sell it to anyone else? But after our conference. I went back to the drawing board. Already sick of this story, I thought how am I going to get inspired
to rewrite the thing.

But after picking it up. Reading it again. Throwing it down, stomping on it. And setting it afire. It came to me. Put it out. I've got a great idea on how to fix it. Unfortunately, I didn't get the fire out in time. But fortunately I had it on disk. (just kidding, didn't actually burn it)

Actually I set down and thought about taking a break from reading or writing it. But the anxiety of letting an unfinished script rest, got the better of me. And I went back to revising. And I thought about what you said. And then after a couple of hours. Ideas just started flowing. And I'm happy so far with the results.

I just recently finished rewriting several scenes in (omitted). I
found your taped comments to be exceptional and I really appreciate the effort you put forth. The newest version is exponentially better than the previous, and is currently being edited/reviewed by friends. I will keep you posted on the progress. Soon, I hope to be writing a query
letter. Thanks again for a truly superb effort.

Just wanted to thank you once more for your detailed attention and evaluation of my script. You reaffirmed some of my suspicions in addition to pointing out weaknesses which I had not seen -- despite numerous drafts and the notes of friends and colleagues. Your straightforward professionalism is all one can expect, and I was not disappointed. My script will undoubtedly be a stronger, sleeker read once I have labored to incorporate your suggestions, and I thank you for that.

Craig,
just a quick note to thank you for your telephone comments on Monday. I actually felt relieved after speaking to you on Monday--because somewhere in the back of mind I already knew that my characters were purely one dimensional. I concur totally regarding the lack of any relationship or need to care about any of the three characters. I thought it through for two days and today I begin the process of correcting
the lack of story characters and wanted to acknowledge that if this script eventually gets sold to a studio it will be in large part to your honest and thorough comments. Thank you.

Craig--Thanks so much for the honest and direct feedback on my script. I spent a lot of time researching consultants. I wanted a consultant who would give it to me straight and provide me information I could use to improve my script.
I felt you accomplished both during our conversation. I am extremely grateful to have the information you provided, so that I have a chance to rewrite the script before entering any contests or submitting it to anyone.

I did read your article, It's the Story, "Stupid!", and will use your recommended approach to story analysis. I think it will really help me focus on the weak areas of the script. Back to writing.

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