HOLLYWOODSCRIPT.COM NEWSLETTER
Welcome to the latest edition of the Hollywoodscript.com Newsletter, which is published by script consultants Craig Kellem, Judy Kellem
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“
OBITUARY” MAKES THE NATIONAL AIRWAVES!
HOLLYWOODSCRIPT.COM’S RECENT CONTEST WINNER, JOANNE WANNAN’S “OBITUARY” AIRED
ON THE LIFETIME NETWORK THIS PAST SUNDAY TO VERY HIGH RATINGS. AMAZING AND GRATIFYING
HOW FAST IT SOLD AND WAS PRODUCED. IT WAS FUN TO SEE IT IN ALL ITS GLORY. BIG
CONGRATS TO JOANNE.
________________
GRAND PRIZE WINNER!
Hi Craig-Thought you should know, I just learned
that "Death Is Relative" just
won the Grand Prize in the WriteMovies.Com International Screenplay Competition.
http://www.writemovies.com/writingcontest.html
It beat out 1000 other scripts from across the planet... I am in shock to
say the least. Thanks for all your help in turning that script around, it
really
paid off. After the sizable cash prize, the folks at the site are going to
make a big push by sending the script to all the studios.
Rob Collie
BIG CONGRATS ROB AND THANX FOR THE ACKNOWLEDGMENT
______________
CONFESSIONS OF A SCRIPT CONSULTANT PART 2
As we continue on our quest to help make screenwriters achieve their dreams,
I’d like to take a step back and reflect on things, as I do from time to
time. After all, so much of my life is vested in this and I give it the same
kind of care and attention that I give to the other coveted aspects of my daily
existence, such as my marriage, children, etc.
Sometimes people ask me if I get impatient or bored
with what they project must be a steady stream
of faulty material from the non-pro writer side of
things.
How surprised they would be to know what pleasure it gives me to be able
to see real promise in MUCH that I read, and to relish the opportunity
to help
preserve
and value the nuggets of what does work, and also find substantial ways
to build on it. And although it’s very pleasing to go all the way with something
(and it happens more often than you’d think - “all the way” defined
as substantial progress, industry-wise), it’s also very fulfilling
to see a writer grow measurably, and cross that line where she/he has finally
written
a script which can honestly be defined as a professional piece of work.
What a threshold!
Reflecting all this, here are a few moments in time:
*What a pleasure it was to hit the “on” button last Sunday night
and see a produced movie on national TV that had floated in here not so long
ago. What fun it was rooting for it all the way and being able to compare how
it seemed in my head with how it was on the screen. The writer later told me
that as she watched it, she couldn’t turn off mouthing the dialogue
that still streamed inside. What a unique way to take in a flick!
*Still have my fingers crossed for the guy down in Tennessee who’s written
a whopper and now keeps traveling back and forth, “power” meeting
with producers who are very seriously running with his worthy script, trying
to get it made and actively looking at “A-list talent to package with the
script.” It should be noted that this piece of work had the dubious honor
of making the Hollywood “black list,” a select list of projects that
have not yet been made, but that a consensus of the town believes should be.
He keeps getting close and it’s fun to watch it happen.
*Had a client recently who finally wrote the kind of script that he had
always dreamed of writing. Funny though, he had no expectations regarding
the contest,
I could sense this as I know what it’s like having little or no expectations
in certain areas. It was great fun to inform him that he had won, and to
see him quietly enter a whole new level of a nascent writing career.
*They get away from time to time though. Worked with another writer and,
oh my gosh, did we ever get into the zone. Initial script came in thin,
a big
idea
that wasn’t being executed “big” enough. What pleasure it gave
me to realize this and to influence the writer in that direction, who, to her
credit totally rose to the occasion. Then, in midstream, she disappeared. My
thought was that she got so excited with the prospects that she couldn’t
stand not getting to the finish line even faster and knew I felt there was much
more to do. Hope she makes it, but my experience is that if all this was about
impatience, that’s usually a big mistake.
*Still have a terrific project, one that really knocked me out, floating
around LA, fully optioned, all systems in place, but still not sold. It
amazes me
how long it took to get to this stage of the game and how long it can take
to make
the goal-line. But I must remember that it’s still alive and well
and there are people who passionately believe in it.
*Recently worked with a well-known playwright, brilliant characters, incredible
dialogue, great humanity, humor and vision. But boy did the STORY need
work, and it would be so encouraging to younger writers to realize that
even the
masters can have trouble with their sense of direction.
And the list goes on:
*Loved working with a gent in Oklahoma who compensated me well whenever
I had a funny suggestion for his worthy script, via a healthy, down-home
chuckle
as he scribbled away. Or the kid in New England who, after sending in a
sometimes confusing piece of work (loaded with a plethora of college-age
characters
running
into each other), took like a duck to water when I asked him to create
story arcs to make a better linear sense of his various subplots. And now
the piece
is really beginning to shape up and take form. Or the guy with the “sports
script” from Texas who keeps hanging in, crossing the t’s, dotting
the i’s, so analogous with his script, whose protagonist is making the
same kind of noble effort in his game of choice “against all odds.”
The great subtextual payoff from all this is in dealing with people all
over the country, and sometimes all over the world. You get a sense of
connectiveness
and also a precious reassurance that there are good people out there, and
that all is really well in many important (and gracefully quiescent) ways.
This
is in such stark contrast to all the constant bad news and noise of the
media, and
sense of endless busyness out there. There’s something reassuring about
good people working on their “secret” projects, glowing with
good intentions and hope and sharing them with folks like Judy and I, as
they chuckle,
wince and root for their baby to make the grade. What luck to be entrusted
to share their experiences and hopefully contribute in crucial ways .
___________________
MORE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM! (BITS AND PIECES/SAMPLES OF FEEDBACK WE’VE
GIVEN TO OUR WRITERS)
**As discussed, this script definitely shows a kind of raw promise in that
there are many bits, moments, parts of scenes, and scenes that work, and
also, this
area of contemporary, twenty-something angst, conflict, and beingness is
very movie-friendly and you seem to know the arena very well. So, I would
look at
what you’ve written so far as a vibrant SOURCE from which a better-crafted
screenplay can be derived.
Make up your mind to employ real selectiveness and economy in the next
draft. Part and parcel to this would be to reorient yourself away from
a talking
heads/conversational style, and instead to create a more cinematic motif
where people do things
and action occurs around them.
It is urgent that you identify each story arc within the screenplay and
then work on their “spines” before writing, making sure that they’re
maxed out in terms of telling full and satisfying individual stories, however
small some might be. Criteria used here includes - is there a real beginning,
middle, and end? Are there surprises? Does it pay off? And are the scenes full
and eventful, etc.? A screenplay is a sum of its parts. Therefore, those parts
must be scrutinized, tweaked, and balanced before they all come together. (Please
re-review my article “Story Story Story,” which can found on our
site under “Useful and Important articles.”
These prerequisites will be so important in taking your well-founded creative
intentions and sensibilities and giving them form, shape, dimension, purpose,
and proportionality. You could compare it to a makeover, wherein someone
actually finds the right look, the right weight, the right clothes, etc.,
and then is
truly prepared to go out in the world and do their thing successfully.
**Sharing the protagonist’s role feels awkward, as “tag-team” protagonists
are not common, and for good reason (it’s hard enough making ONE protagonist
work). If the story is ultimately about both of them, with a shared thematic
connection, then both need to be reasonably ubiquitous (or at least well-seeded/planted)
throughout most of the script so that we understand, without ambiguity, that
we are dealing with a two-person “hero” situation.
**Granted, many films such as Airplane, and various Jim Carrey movies etc,
are zany and often over-the-top. But they are also cagily believable in
their own
way, and this does not happen by accident, as comedy practitioners know
how burned they can get just going for the laughs and rationalizing away
the
need for these
other critical tenets of comedy.
**Bulkiness and the lack of a consistent and ubiquitous protagonist makes
the script read almost episodically (hunky), as opposed to stories that
intertwine and coalesce. I’d make sure that we are kept abreast of what’s happening
across the board on a more consistent basis.
**The vista herein needs to be greatly
broadened a la a movie like Swingers, where a myriad of twenty-somethings’ delights
and agonies are utilized, including career, dating, disillusionment, pressure,
hauntings from the past, peer situations, backstories, dreams, etc., etc. I think
you get the picture. Can you imagine stocking up on this kind of “creative
currency” and then being able to spawn cool and eventful scenes and story
arcs, (as you did with the winning scenes I referenced on the phone). In other
words, the more meat on the bone, the more you have to work with the better,
and, in a character piece such as yours you need lots of challenges, obstacles,
and situations to keep things viable, since you don’t have car chases
and serial killers to keep the plot moving.
You must reduce this script and marry yourselves with the beauty of economy,
as well as to start thinking more cinematically, creating scenes that have
movement and also use devices such as stage directions and “layering” to liven
things up. Also, please have another look at movies such as Garden State and
Lost in Translation for inspiration regarding creating fuller, more eventful
scenes that, because of their vitality and multi-facetedness, “write
themselves.”
**Screenplay writing is a craft that has many tenets that can take years
and years to learn, and even then, it can be very hit and miss. These puppies
only
look like they’re easy to write. In this case, you need to employ some
of these very basic tenets and fundamental measures to get your project “in
the tent”:
I’d trim, cut, and truncate this script, a la my article “The Art
of Cutting.” I’d also avoid talky, sedentary scenes, instead
going for ones where there is a sense of motion, action, more plot, etc.,
and also
employ key stage directions to enhance subtext and to provide a better
sense of physicality.
You need to find a way to frame this so it’s not just a diary-like
potpourri of a family history. A screenplay needs a sense of a real beginning,
middle,
and end, context, continuity, a protagonist - the whole nine yards.
You will have to experiment on the right formula for this, but the ballpark
could be things we discussed such as making the last story the big one
and starting
off in it and using it as a “wraparound” for the whole script, meaning
that it’s the dominating story that we keep coming back to.
And perhaps your main player in that story can provide a consistent, narrator-like
context of it and all the other family stories, which could also lay out
as full and ongoing subplots.
In other words, all stories are told in the same fashion across the length
and the breadth of the script, but they are dominated by the main story
that is complemented
and given contextual meaning by these other subplots, which show a certain
linkage and commonality with each other.
**The script needs to be tightened and truncated as you tend to milk sequences
a bit too much. LESS almost always works better. I urge you to go to the
articles section of our site (ie Useful and Important Articles) and read
a short piece
called “The Art of Cutting” which suggests a gentle method of handling
this important issue. I’ve also marked areas on the script that I
thought went on too long, but this kind of habit usually requires a philosophical
change
on the part of all writers who tend to write long-ish, who in my view,
need to adopt an actual LIKING for economy.
The other issue is the old one with this script, namely in making it all
seem as believable as possible.
In my view, reality is critical and is the real predicate for almost all
comedy. As clever as your story is, there are many basic high concept “contrivances” involved
which must be offset with a real effort towards making things feel as believable
as possible, in and around them.
**The material that you sent me is pretty darn well written: good action,
a very respectable sense of the mood and genre, and characterizations that
will
work
even better when these urgently needed basics are implemented.
So I urge you to “lace in” the following exposition:
A timeframe.
A sense of what’s happening in the world, universe, etc.
Why and if this alien is unique (thus a sense of what the stakes are).
More info on your players, such as backstory, hopes, dreams, etc which
will help make us understand their situations even better .
So in a nutshell, I would provide us with a reasonable sense of PERSPECTIVE
AND CONTEXT ETC AND IN DOING SO TELL A STORY THAT’S IMPORTANT AND
EVEN RELEVANT IN MANY WAYS.
**Credibility is a big issue herein. You’re in kind of a no-man’s-land.
It’s neither James Bond, nor is it John le Carre . It’s got to be
one or the other, and my vote is more le Carre than Bond. You simply need to
give everything a kind of reality sniff-test, namely “Could this
actually happen in real-life?”
**As discussed, the project continues to be a well-written, well-conceived,
well-populated piece of work. As they say in Hollywood, “it’s all there,”-
it’s just missing its proper share of conflict, context, jeopardy, and
other theatrical prerequisites. It simply too “soft,” especially
for a piece which, in my view, is so intrinsically hot.
**So, in my view, the solution should come in the form of the following:
A real protagonist with a clear and present situation that seems impossible
to solve, etc., etc. Traditional as this may seem, sometimes tradition’s
OK .
A much deeper sense of what happened, what the present “universe” herein
is like, supported by juicy and dramatic flashbacks illustrating how we
got here.
Part and parcel to this all, this script needs a greater sense of raison
d’être,
an ultimate thing, truth, goal or whatever, that needs to be achieved and
will, in the process, be delightfully burdened by more conflict, angst,
jeopardy,
obstacles -- the whole nine yards. This includes more weighty , effectively
evil and resourceful
bad guys.
I can’t emphasize enough the need for this piece to have a context, overview,
and focus, that gives us not only the aforementioned elements, but also a keen
sense of an original and fascinating arena and perplexing situation...after all,
if you close your eyes and imagine such a tenuous lifestyle/predicament etc,
your mind can run away with situations, mores, nuances, etc. that push the envelope
every which way in how human beings can be inventive, destructive, wonderful,
awful, and everything in between, especially when the rules of existence change.
Why not, then, take more advantage of this potent canvas and give us something
to “write home about.”
**Since we went over it page-by-page I won’t belabor this, except to say
that it’s really important to provide a little more prerequisite information
so that, sooner rather than later, we have a better sense of who’s who
and what’s what. After all, this is a very unusual and eclectic situation,
venue, and population, and without a sense of focus and/or cohesion, it’s
easy to spend more time trying to figure out what’s happening than
on just enjoying the ride.
**So an honest, tangible, linear and dominant thru-line will help a lot
in supporting the plethora of unusual things that “surround” it.
Not to mention the need to always provide an ample sense of cohesion, context,
perspective and
connectedness to give this puppy the ease and fluidity that it deserves.
**It’s simply lacking the “normal” tenets of most theatrical
productions in terms of way too subtle motivation on the part of the protagonist,
a lack of a sense of why one goes in a given direction, etc., etc. I suggest
that you work out a PLAN, prior to revision, as to how to upgrade this basic
area. I’d go with some kind of outline that, on a beat-by-beat basis,
delineates the hopefully ascending story trajectory and the respective
motivations, particularly
those of your protagonist.
**All good comedy, even that which is directed towards children, is enhanced
by a reality base. Broad comedy, without this base, does not have much
of a shelf-life, particularly in the long form. This project has a four
hundred
year-old history,
deeply embedded in meaningful hot spots of the human condition. Why not,
therefore,
broaden things in the setup, and in the characterizations, and be funny
and silly to the max, but still include and embrace these other aspects
and levels.
**The tone of the piece is inconsistent. My vote is to place this more
in the drama/thriller bag, rather than too much tongue in cheek, particularly
at the
beginning of the script which kind of ‘sets the dial’ for what
it is.
**Please cap all characters only when introduced in the narrative. Also “bracketing” (quick
little and occasional slugline reminders of where we were last time in a given
subplot) will help us keep track of things as well as an occasional “summary” (disguised
list built into dialogue of “where we’re at” at any given
time).
**Generally speaking, you tend to write more character stuff and what I
call “texture” than
story/plot. In this script, it feels somewhat disproportionate! With too
much texture one can get lost here and there, since story is what usually
keeps our
noses pointed in the right direction.
**The funniest writers on God’s earth still need a keen sense of reality,
relatability, normalcy and even poignancy and drama in their scripts. Is this “rule” ever
broken? Sure. But most of the time, the result of these digressions is failure,
and often just on a developmental level, since material that’s gratuitously
funny and lacks the other needed elements usually ends up on the dust pile.
The trick is to create multidimensional situations and amply utilize the
honest tragic-comedic
human condition as the predicate of things to come.
In other words, reality is very much the comedy writer’s friend.
SCRIPTBLASTER has an incredibly vast data base of producers, agents,
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and the like. They can zap your coverage or query directly into the hands
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