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INSIGHTS

IF YOU NEVER WANT TO KNOW ANYTHING ELSE ABOUT SCREENWRITING (AND MARKETING), KNOW THIS!!


by Craig and Judy Kellem
_____________

*WRITER’S BLOCK is an irritant, not a sentencing. It may be a gift, believe it or not. Blocks are often a sign from the self to the self that one has reached some sort of turning point. This impasse in writing tells the writer s/he has begun to touch new or unexamined territory, emotionally and story wise, which s/he is not ready to deal with for some reason. It can be a flag that a defining place has been reached in the material (and inside her/himself) and this needs to be addressed. The mind will not allow the fingers to move forward until the creator has stopped and really confronted what truly lies at the heart of the block. A wise and established novelist once warned, "The novel always falls apart. ALWAYS. The trick is not to panic and stop. The real writer writes through it."

*The Two Times a CONCEPT IS IMPORTANT :

The FIRST TIME is when you're developing your idea. You'd be surprised how many well-intended writers come up with a notion, fail to think it out and work their fannies off only to discover that they shouldn't have "begun what they begun."

The OTHER TIME a concept is important is when you've finished the script, dotted the i's crossed the t's and now it's time to send it out. Assuming that the script is great, the veracity of your concept will now make or break you.

*SCENES AS CONCEPTS. Professional writers understand that ALL scenes count. And there is no room for filler or bridges. Each should have its own magic, raison díetre, veracity and power. Adhere and make every second, every frame, every line a meaningful experience, a drop of inspiration imbued with integrity, imagination and soul. Adopting this attitude as the assembly line prerequisite can prevent you from breezing through in order to get to the "big moment."

*LESS is almost always better in screenplays. Writing the "chateaubriand" of a scene is the name of the game, then cut away to the next fillet. Fat is a no no, a bit of gristle should be carefully doled out. WRITE IT TIGHT OR TRIM IT DOWN.

*Don't MIX FORMS to "cover" all bases. If you're going to do a movie where people throw pies, then let them throw pies. Save your Oscar winning love scene for another script.

*If, in the course of a screenplay, Tom Dick and Harry need to be provided with the same info, tell Tom and when we get to Dick and Harry, let’s ASSUME that they've been told off camera.

* DON’T start with a mystery and end with the hero finding great love. End by solving the mystery.

*STAGE DIRECTIONS ARE OKAY. Someone spread a rumor that you shouldn't tell directors and actors what to do. Physical actions/gestures/attitudes/reactions etc. described in narrative or parentheses that enhance subtext and cinematic action are called stage directions. Don't hesitate to use the very tool that can help make or break your script, (i.e. the stage directions).

*HIDE EXPOSITION (ie: info the audience needs to be told). Spread it around. Keep it as invisible as you can and always try to convert it into ammunition (AKA action).

*SUBTEXT is the name of the game. Potential lovers nervously conversing about train schedules (when you know their real underlying "conversation" is about their aching desire for each other), is usually more compelling and effective than the same twosome spilling every thought in their head.

*REMEMBER, it’s not how long your script is. It’s how long it should be. So 115 pages may be OK but not necessarily for YOUR script.

*LAYER SCENES. One of the most effective strategies writers use is to add extra juicy tidbits and mini-subplots WITHIN scenes, while the main story continues to unravel. (ie: a bar scene where two people HAVE to talk could be greatly enhanced by a simple game of “killer pool” while they say what they have to say).

*Make room for SURPRISES. Audiences love them.

*WHAT'S A GOOD STORY? There are many definitions. Ours would be, "something that rings true, that's important and is worth telling." It's also has to be ABOUT something. Even the silliest lowball comedy should have a "reason to be."

*WHAT'S A BAD STORY? we heard this definition somewhere-- a bad story is often a "long lie that after a while, even you don't believe." Many inadvertently get lost in a vacuum with their projects, fabricate stuff and end up telling long lies. How do well-intentioned writers end up writing long lies? It usually happens when we don't spent the time doing the spade work, when we haven't thought things through AND WHEN INSTANT GRATIFICATION TO GET THE SCRIPT FINISHED DOMINATES THE PROCESS.

*The moment you THROW SOMETHING IN that doesn't belong in your story, solely for the sake of appealing to some imagined reader who you think wants a bit more sex or sentimentality--at that moment, your story dies a little and becomes a little more of a lie.

*FINISHING a script can be both a thrilling and terrifying time. After all those months of being on the mission, brainstorming, obsessing, getting blocked, breaking through, endless hours--the party's over. Now the fun begins. It's end-game time. At this point, many up and coming writers believe with all their hearts that if they were ONLY able to find the right agent or producer they'd be set. Hollywood would discover what you already know. You've got a winner! The last thing you want is to find out that there's more work to be done. In our experience --there usually is. And it's CRITICAL WORK! So there's one more thing to do BEFORE YOU SHOP IT. Get someone who knows what they're doing to read and evaluate your script. Find out what you've really got.

*SLOW DOWN. Make sure it's right before you send it out. Life will not pass you by. "It will be there when you get there."

*QUERIES--TO DO OR NOT TO DO? Though there’s much hubbub that no one reads them and they’re a loser’s marketing strategy, the truth is material and writers are still discovered via query letters. People read their mail! Try as they might to ignore a communication, they always peek and if it catches their interest, they'll react. Even people in Hollywood can fall in love. A smashing communication is something that few can ignore. But the smashing query is the exception to the rule. You need to become that exception!

*IN WRITING QUERIES, avoid generalizations. Don't be coy-- be specific. Give them a real sense of the CENTER of your idea. These letters are meant to hook them, but good. You need to knock their socks off. Strut your stuff. Your communication needs to be right on target just like a good COMMERCIAL or an effective movie TRAILER.

*Send your query letter EVERYWHERE. Producers, agents, managers, entertainment attorneys, whomever. Blitz it.

*Don't PITCH two or more projects in a query. Producers and agents want the writer to be obsessed with one project and, when more are offered, they can get cynical about a possible preoccupation with marketing.

*The greatest enemy of PITCHING is the notion (often generated in the "how to" culture) is that there is a TECHNIQUE to be learned. Forget about technique. The only rule for good pitching is BEING YOURSELF and COMMUNICATING THE TRUTH. In this regard, all styles are welcome. The enthusiastic artisan on the edge of his/her seat, passionately chatting up their project can be very winning but so can the quiet, stoic-faced waif, earnestly making his/her case.

*Remember the fundamentals of salesmanship. Try to enjoy the experience. Make contact with people in the room. Listen when they speak. REMEMBER (ALTHOUGH IT MAY NOT SEEM THAT WAY), YOU NEED THE GIG BUT THEY NEED THE MATERIAL, THAT'S WHY THEY ARE THERE. YOU HAVE SOMETHING OF VALUE TO OFFER!

*It's IRONIC that many of the principles of pitching are similar to the principles of writing itself. Contrived, formulaic writing is as boring as contrived, formulaic pitching. On the other hand, spontaneous, bold and "from the gut" writing and pitching has endless potential.

*COVERAGE: Hire someone to create "COVERAGE" for you. "Coverage" is an industry staple, a document whose major function is to describe your project and offer a short review. Agents and producers are used to coverage since it's impossible for them to read the inevitable slew of incoming material themselves. They generally rely on people to read it for them and provide a report, a/k/a "coverage." Though COVERAGE from a hungry writer may be suspect, if it's accompanied by a note explaining that its been written by a legitimate practitioner (to whom you sent the script) and this is what you got back, it may have impact. You might tap into their Pavlovian response to a familiar and comfortable format. What the heck, it's worth a shot.

*CONTESTS: Hollywood is always impressed with contest recognition. Check out various screenwriting websites concerning these contests. Pick up some writing magazines as well for this info.

*There are very few NOTE SESSIONS in Hollywood or anywhere else that are not fairly extensive. It's just the way it is. Scripts need to be near perfect and that requires attention inch by inch, brick by brick and piece by piece. It can be an unruly process. Professional writers know this and they take the long note sessions with a grain of salt. And in approaching the revision, they use this "trick"- they take it A DAY AT A TIME AND A PIECE AT A TIME!

*OPINIONS from friends are okay, but the truth is that few nonprofessionals really know how to evaluate and materially improve a script. They think they do, but they don't. Friends will usually end up telling you what you want to hear. Or worse, give broad sweeping comments with no palpable solutions ("I Loved this. I hated that. Why? I don't
know, just cause" type "feedback"). FIND OBJECTIVE HELP.

*FEAR OF SIMILARITY of ideas? Sooth yourself with this:

1. After all is said and done, they usually aren't all that similar.

2. If the other "guy's" movie stinks it will disappear.

3. If the other movie is a gem, people will want to "imitate" it thus creating a possible market for you.

4. If both projects are very much alike and theirs is getting a lot of heat, lay low for a while--it will soon be off the radar screen. FEAR NOT, "we're all really telling the same stories over and over and over again..we just have our own voice to bring to the table."

*There is a marked, qualitative disparity between stories and images born from REAL LIFE EXPERIENCE and those made from pure, intellectual invention. To the artist who tries to circumvent writing from real, personal experience it has been wisely asked: "How can you try to write for a business of emotions and know that you're going to VEER AWAY FROM REALLY REVEALING YOUR OWN?" We encourage you to DRAW UPON YOUR LIFE and those around you. When something effects you, trust it, save it and when appropriate use it.

*A major reason why access to emotional ammunition is so important is that ALL SCENES NEED TO BE MAXIMIZED. It's not enough to produce a great concept enhanced by a few treasured moments. A winning script is the sum of parts that continuously produces dynamite.

*Big. Small. Scenes are the bread and butter of your mood, your tone and the emotional currency of the story you are telling. So beware and make EVERY SECOND, EVERY FRAME, every line a meaningful experience, a drop of inspiration imbued with integrity, imagination and soul.

*If you aren't one thousand, five hundred percent sure of WHY your movie was a slice of life drama in act one and then turned into an E.T.-style science fiction fantasy flick in act two, DON'T GO THERE. Decide which kind of movie you want to write and stick close to your choice, be consistent and harmonious in the rendering.

*Much of what distinguishes a professional from an amateur script is pacing. NARRATIVE can be the key in this, as fast-flying, lean scripts derive serious momentum from a strong narrative.

*If you have major new characters and situations late in a script, it’s suggested that you PLANT ORIGINS for this in act 1.

*Most professional writers spend more of their time PLANNING their scripts than writing them.

*The mind is a funny thing. Sometimes what we perceive to be true is not true. This happens often with screenwriting when writers think that there’s something on the page that isn’t on the page. We must closely examine our manuscripts making sure WHAT’S IN OUR MINDS AND HEARTS HAS ACTUALLY BEEN WRITTEN.

*Good scripts turn on clear strong singular plots that are moved along by well-developed characters and relevant, supportive subplots that ADD to the revealing of the main story WITHOUT IN ANY WAY eclipsing or interfering with its unfolding.

*THE PLOT ALWAYS FALLS APART. WHAT SEPARATES THE WRITERS FROM THE DILETTANTES ARE THOSE WHO STICK IT OUT AND WRITE THROUGH CLEAR TO THE OTHER SIDE.

*Many writers are so anxious to surprise you on page 120 that they employ the dubious technique of telling you the absolute minimum on pages 1-119. Doesn’t work. They call it suspense. I call it omission. There is a big difference between the two. There is nothing wrong with teasing the audience and making them want to know more. Nor is there anything faulty with red herrings and scenes that end on a precipice and make you wait. These are tried and true techniques. But you’ve got to throw your reader a bone here and there SO THAT THE LEVEL OF CONFUSION DOESN’T BECOME THE DOMINATING EXPERIENCE IN READING THE SCRIPT. And the bone cannot be buried so deeply that a Geiger counter is needed to detect it. The bottom line is this: If you save everything for the end, you stand a chance of having so alienated the confused reader that, by the time they get to the big disclosure, it no longer matters.

*There is hardly a situation in any movie, dysfunctional or otherwise, that can’t be justified by some movie somewhere that got away with it. But consider the other 2000 MOVIES IN WHICH IT DIDN’T WORK!

*When the script is beginning to percolate, and your heart is beating hard because you know you're in range, it's often time to have one "LAST" GOOD LOOK and make sure all the T's are crossed and the I's are dotted. Does the script need a few inches more in the department of tightening? Have you maxed out on the big scenes, or would a tweak or two take a double and turn it into a home run? Do all scenes including the "small ones" have their own intrinsic element of magic? Bottom line-can "good" be made even better?

*Developing ideas is an interesting activity. Two things happen when you do it on a regular basis. One is that your relationship with your subconscious and your “creative guide” gets keener and ideas begin to flow. If you’re lucky, you begin to flow to such an extent that you begin to “WRITE ON THE WALLS.” The other is that as you grow ideas, some take flight as if on their own. This is powerful stuff.

*Regarding receiving SCRIPT NOTES FROM FRIENDS, I’d listen to them when there’s commonality/trends in the feedback. If you get the same type of "notes" from several people, it may be time to listen.

THREE GOOD ONES FROM BESTSELLING ALLEN RUCKER’S ENLIGHTENED INTERVIEW ON COMEDY WRITING

*Writers write, and that includes comedy writers, unfortunately. Like shooting free throws or skiing on one leg, writing is a mind/body activity that demands an enormous commitment to practice. If you don't want to put in the time, become an actor.

*The best piece of advice I ever got about comedy scriptwriting: the story happens in the middle of the room, the comedy happens in the corners. If you take this literally, don't become a comedy writer.

*THE BEST SOURCE OF COMEDY, NO MATTER WHAT THE FORM IS REALITY. Have an awesome respect for reality. Reality is your friend. Most people who call themselves comedy writers, i.e., sitcom writers and whoever comes up with those feel-good "concept" comedies for Eddie Murphy or the like, have lost touch with reality. They make comedies based on other comedies. Don't do this. Reality never gets old. You'll get old, but reality is always a fetching young virgin.

THANKS ALLEN!
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MORE

*The biggest secret going (in my opinion) is that there are some truly OUTSTANDING NON-PRO WRITERS out there just waiting to be discovered. There are many professional writers who would give their eye teeth to have the talent of these undiscovered people.

*Succeeding as a screenwriter is a PROCESS. It's less about hitting a home run with the big script and more about doing the next right thing that propels you and your material a step further up the ladder.

*Major turn-ons? Characters and relationships that feel real -- where they are "on the page" -- dialogue that is honest, rings true, where I can hear the voices and feel like I know who these people are, where there is nothing contrived or recycled about the language. Pacing that feels deliberate, where I can trust I'm in the hands of a smart, solid narrator, who's in the driver's seat, taking me on a journey planned with conviction. Action that keeps the script moving, keeps it tight, urgent. Imagery that is clear and metaphoric, like watching poetry -- visual gestures that impress the mind. A script in which subtext and mood have been clearly cultivated so I really feel the material, feel taken on an emotional, visceral experience. That and more turns me on.

*Our view with queries is NOT TO SEND IT LOGLINE/SYNOPSIS STYLE. By formatting it that way it may take away from the REALITY that you're trying to create. You want people to become emotionally affected by your thesis and sucked into the flow. When they're reminded that it's just a pitch via ‘formatting’ (logline, synopsis style) you may lose a bit of punch. In other words, say it like it's REAL!

DO WHAT YOU DON’T DO BEST
*Although it's natural for writers to do what they do best, it's necessary to also use other methods to accomplish our creative tasks. The humorist may need to access real drama in order to steady his screenplay and give it a realistic foundation. The sci-fi aficionado might be Einsteinian in her imagery but still has to find a way to tell a story with a beginning, middle and end. And so forth. The point of this is simple. It’s imperative that you sometimes turn your back on your “A” weaponry and take care of business in areas of craft that may not be your first love. For many writers, particularly those who are not working under the lash of producer or studio, this kind of discipline can be elusive.

Suggestions in this regard:

-Avoid exposure to the stuff that works which may distract you from what doesn’t.

-Don’t think about those things in the script that are going to “save you.”

-Instead, remove the high test material from your desktop and concentrate solely on the story which needs direction or the character who needs more oomph, or the plan to endow scenes with more strategies and angles.

-Make things work that you hate with the same devotion and pride that you use to make things work that you love.

-And most of all don’t try to solve problems with easy solutions by always going back to your security blanket. Isolate/compartmentalize the aspect of the script that needs work. Make the creative plan to fix and and go for it.

HOLLYWOOD OR BUST
*If you’re just writing spec scripts and you haven’t broken into the industry, you can work outside of Hollywood. Once you’ve sold a spec script and you’re on the map and have an agent, you may have to live in LA, because your agent has to be able to set up appointments for you, and those appointments can be plentiful. They don’t always have time to wait for you to fly in.

*TWO GREAT THINGS TO KNOW:

"THE PURPOSE OF TECHNIQUE IS TO FREE THE TALENT.”

“PUT YOUR CHARACTER UP A TREE, HAVE THEM TRY TO GET DOWN BUT KEEP THROWING THINGS AT THEM. “

*A GOOD STORY is something which captures your imagination, which taps into something that’s happening in real life and NEEDS to be expressed in some way…that’s usually a great measuring stick. Something we need to know about or are upset with, or are curious about. Sometimes when you tap into something like this and it happens at the right time, great things can transpire.

*GREAT STORY telling comes down to some essential and universal truth which lies at the base of whatever the particular plot is, that touches and reaches people. It can be something very simple or something deeply complex and existential. Different writers work different ways. Some people have just a glimmer of an idea, in which case they have to go through a process of first fleshing it out with themselves. They will begin to break it down into individual arcs, beat sheets, etc. And one of the things you can do is not put pressure on yourself to have it come out of the hatch perfectly. One of the great luxuries in preparing a project is just to splatter it on the wall for a while. You have a hot idea --put it on an index card. What are some of the juicy moments you may have with a given character? Put it on the cards and on the wall. Are you clear on a particular character arc or a subplot that’s beginning to make sense? Just collect it all for a while; look at it, play with it and trust that the creative part of yourself now summoned, will give you more solid ideas and notions on how to connect all the dots. Many people in today’s world expect instant results and the creative process doesn’t work that way. It needs time to gestate and grow.

THEY’RE ALL DIFFERENT
*If you take five professional screenplays, I’m talking “Sideways,” “Cold Mountain,” “Sixth Sense,”– whatever, contemporary or not, and you line up the scripts you’ll find the formatting of each script is slightly but discernibly different from the others. Moreover, I work with writers who use “cut to’s” and writers who would never think of putting one in the script. There are writers that think it’s real macho NOT to use stage directions (just let the reader imagine what the physical action is--such as “they locked eyes” or “she begins to sweat”) and others who put in whatever it takes to communicate the creative vision. So, regarding the do’s and the don’ts – the real do is that your script should basically LOOK like everybody else’s even with it’s invariable formatting differences. The title page should be standard, don’t use any fancy binders or anything – it should just look like everyone else’s script. That’s the big DO. But the other big DO is make sure it’s really good.

*When you’re doing an ADAPTATION you must be very clear with yourself on what point of view you want to take. Do you want to follow the book, strictly replicate the perspective from which it is told? Or do you want to give it a different narrative spin. Also, get clear on how you’re going to write -in dialogue and description- the very complex and (often) overly involved stories that novelists get into, where it just sprawls on and on. One must know how to be restrained and give stuff up. You’re not going to be able to have ALL those characters and all those subplots and all ALL those dramas. You’re going to have to distill what the book is about to its main core: The central drama and a couple of subplots to contain it.

*ALTHOUGH a screenplay can be ninety-nine pages or a hundred and nineteen, it’s an illusion that it’s a free form and you can do whatever you want to do AS FAR AS SIZE IS CONCERNED. We live in a very fast paced society and you have to spit it out as succinctly and judiciously as you can. There are writers who don’t trust brevity. They trust doling it out the long way because they are (admirably) obsessed in making sure that you understand it all. They don’t understand that what they’re writing is not a thesis or a dissertation. It’s a screenplay which has its own weight and “requirements.” After all watching a film is not something you can go back and study. You’re only going to hear it once so it’s best to figure out how to say things in a concise way.

SHAME AS A POSITIVE
*What if every time we hear something ostensibly negative about our work, we remembered that every writer worth his or her salt had or is going through this exact experience as well, fully knowing that this is only part of the process and should not in any way be taken personally. And when the sometimes inevitable feeling of negativity and shame arises to the surface it can often be viewed as a positive, as it reminds us HOW PROFOUND AND VITAL THIS WORK IS TO US AND HOW MUCH WE CARE and how we need to remember to take a deep breath and stay in the game because it is worth it. In fact you can think of it like first being in love, always uncomfortable but usually worth the pain.

Hang in there. We all fret and blush. Avoiding it can be hazardous to our well being.

*WRITERS SEEM TO CROP UP up from the most unlikely places. Great ideas and art, humor and passion coming out of the living rooms and kitchens of so called soccer moms, docs who'd rather tell jokes, and lonely kids who are bursting with important things to say. How strange it is to be invited into their lives. Me an almost faceless stranger involved on such an vital and intimate level. Talk about an honor as I get to be the anonymous stranger who hopefully hears them loud and clear, feels their passion, catches their voices, and can often do something about making the material better, while being ever so careful not to mess it up. And then there's always that juicy prospect that this will be the one that you can hook up.

*AS YOU REVISE IT HELPS TO THINK ABOUT:

What is at stake for the heroes?

Why is the story being told?

How are the characters shaped, changed, transformed by each new event
which occurs in the overall story?

*RE HORROR FLICKS:

All great horror movies are driven by some greater truth or real human fear that is being addressed through the genre. Vampires, werewolves, even Freddi Krueger are powerful metaphors for deep human questions and weaknesses.

RE WRITING A FABULOUS SYNOPSIS:

Keep close to:

*giving a lean, bottom line pitch of youR story
*highlight key beats, key moments
*don't be shy about showing off exceptionally juicy twists, turns
*write it with as much attitude and swing as you can muster...the mood and tone of the synopsis should reflect the mood and tone of the script. If it's a thriller, the synopsis should be thrilling! If it's a romance, the
language of your synopsis is best made steamy..etc.

Remember in a way, you're writing a trailer, a mini movie, so have fun with it and don't let perfectionism clamp your spirit down.

*RE: ORIGINALITY AND SEEING “YOUR IDEAS” MADE BY SOMEONE ELSE:

Keep in mind that we are ALL, really, telling the same stories over and over and over again..we just have our own voice to bring to the table. You've got an idea that is so good it's being made. So they make another version. You have YOUR version, which only YOU can make

*WHEN TO SEEK FEEDBACK:

Often the best time to seek a consultation is when:

A) you've taken the material as far as you can and are in that zone where
you've hit the void, feel like you've done what you can and are now in
need of fresh eyes to break the block

B) you've reached a crucial point with the script where you're not sure
which direction to take, what the best choices are for the plot etc. and
need outside input to move forward

C) you’ve gotten so embroiled in the text you can no longer see forest from trees and are losing track of why you started the thing in the first place, are in need of a jump-start and some distance

But most of all, I believe you just follow your gut. If you feel in your
heart that you're ready to get some feedback, have an objective reader
carefully go through what you've got thus far and help you get clear on
what the next revision will look like, where to start etc. then send it
on out.

 

CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM! (BITS AND PIECE S/SAMPLES OF FEEDBACK WE’VE GIVEN TO OUR WRITERS)


(**these "notes" have been collected and published over a period of time so there may be some repetition here and there (re issues that keep cropping up), but we decided to leave it "as is" to show trends etc)


*The bottom line to your fundamental question is that if material is good enough it can “sell itself.” You don’t have to be out there to make it happen. Of course there’s work getting it done--queries, submissions, entering contests and the like. And it doesn’t mean that you won’t go through an obstacle course and that it will probably take a ridiculous amount of time. But it’s my experience that sooner or later the Missouri crosses the Mississippi and justice is done. This doesn’t necessarily mean a script will sell but if it’s really good something usually happens. A door opens, an invitation to submit down the line, an agent appears etc. But let me be clear: the process can be a real pain in the ass, and it is smart not to let hope and expectations overwhelm you. There are many talented new -ish writers sitting in motel rooms in Hollywood, full of fear and loathing because it’s not going their way fast enough. An ugly way to live, let me tell you. This is a PROCESS where it’s best that the writer keep churning stuff out, tending to marketing duties (about ten percent of the time), and leave the results to the universe. All the while never quitting the day job, until and unless it happens.


*One hint, if I were you I'd make the adjustments that you know are needed NOW and THEN dig into other issues. Effective revisions are often a WHITTLING DOWN process where light is further shed as the piece becomes healthier and things become more and more obvious. First things first --go from big to little. It’s too good a project not to do carefully.


* Almost any effective protagonist has to find his way, himself, or whatever, during the course of a script. A protagonist who's got his act together from the get-go may be a happy hombre, but he's not great fodder for theatrical exploration....Part and parcel to this, the experiences and adventures along the way must brim with more obstacles, jeopardy, challenges the whole nine yards. Often, (in the current version) these situations seem simplistic and way too easy. They need to be more clever and complex--bigger, more dangerous multifaceted challenges. And everything needs to be more relatable and much more EMOTIONAL. (The good news here is that the aforementioned adjustments will make a huge difference in your promising draft, stem to stern). After all, writing a script with an overly capable protagonist whose adventure is too easy puts you at a real disadvantage in terms of trying to be compelling in your storytelling. Creating a genuine underdog for whom we feel and admire, but worry about, and who is then confronted with climbing a mountain every time he comes up for air, has natural rooting currency and is always engaging (and has been through the ages).


*The project is dripping with evidence of talent and potential. This is mostly illustrated via your wonderful sense of humor and also a good instinct in the area of characters, character relationships and viable situations. But there ’s work to be done.
The level of reality is the biggest issue...all effective material including comedies need to be believable. This not only applies to scenes, sequences and situations but also to your players and the relationship between them...I’m suggesting to you on a macro level to give your story and players a less simplistic ambiance and instead provide a true dramatic base that has everything: a bitchin story with legitimate twists and turns, real people, pathos, drama, intrigue and lots and lots of good buddy humor and other humor all packed into one exciting vehicle. If you analyze other good comedy dramas (even really funny ones) you will usually find a serious infrastructure that may not be all that obvious but is incredibly necessary.


*Now whether or not your otherwise viable story is all based on fact (that you obtained from endless note-keeping, or whatever), matters little. This is a false argument because the TRUTH doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with needed and workable theatricality. Writers who use this argument to an extreme are like writers to whom you give notes, who will point out the one movie out of five thousand that makes their flawed script seem “right” and keeps it, in the wake of this, mediocre. It’s not about perfect sociological accuracy, it ’s about entertainment.


*Simply put, it can be too precarious a venture to write a full script of things like dreams, streams of consciousness, fantasies, etc with little relief and diversion . At some point, this can become too monotonous, unrelatable, and confusing. We need to relate to something tangible along the way.

*The paradox here is the needs that you have with this material are more conducive to overall and, yes, conceptual/philosophical conclusions, than mathematically perfect, exact, finite “here’s how to do this” kind of notes. The big stuff needs fixing first and that sometimes requires macro changes and new directions to come from you on the impetus of direction. It’s like the difference between a trigonometry problem set, for which there are exact methods to reach prescribed answers, and a paper for say an anthropology class where the professor gives you conceptual notes about how you can better shape your paper to argue persuasively for your thesis, and you have to figure out how to make that happen. Screenwriting is art, not science.


*You have an often truly inspired but unmistakable “one note,” “high concept” idea. In a nutshell, it’s too relentless. It can become monotonous, and overdone. You never let up. If your justification is that it’s the “fault” of the character (“that’s how HE is”), the times we live in or whatever--I say better change things despite this. The solution is to first REALIZE THIS and then to cut down on its girth, and also to find other elements to exploit, especially in the soft arena/nuance/other shades of life departments, in order to give the script a sense of proportion and balance. In a war movie for example if the note was there’s too much combat/killing, you would need to add scenes involving backstory, love issues, ironies and sidebars, which would help in giving things variety and breathing room.


*To write “bad people,” we must find the visceral bad in ourselves and go for it 100 percent. To write a tragic figure, we must locate the pulsating fracture in ourselves and find a way to blow it into fictitious souls. Ultimately, all theatrical writing is intended to generate emotional relatability and feeling. Audiences know when it’s genuine.


*If you want to write screenplays for an American audience, then you will (unfortunately) have to either cut out your heartfelt philosophical passages, or else find other ways to convey them. Your writing, it seems to me, would be much better suited to a book. In literature you would have the liberty to philosophize and to offer long and detailed descriptions of such things as the nature of sleep, light, and soul. Film does not allow the necessary room to expound on such thoughts. Of course, you could always try to find ways to show those descriptions in other ways, perhaps through dialogue, but you run a high risk of testing the patience of an increasingly impatient audience. Alas, long passages are wonderful to read, but are not so fun to watch being said onscreen.


**Don’t stretch things out--comedy works better when things are done FAST!!


*Ensemble pieces are notoriously hard to focus and organize and, in the hierarchy of difficult genres, this genre occupies the top of the list. In this genre, the writer often finds himself having many characters to service, multiple stories to invent and to somehow interconnect them all. Instead of a hard driving “high concept” idea or something more event based/story-like and linear, this arena skews more towards character and character relationships that must be supported by story trajectories which beg for validity and spine. For without the latter, things can get rough.


*First some mundane (but very important points). As discussed, an essential component of good screenwriting is the rule of thumb; "less is more." Your script often feels overstated/over written/redundant/talking heads. Too much attention trying to say EVERYTHING and then some. As a result, the pacing gets thrown off course. It feels fat. One thing that might help to keep things moving would be the notion of getting into scenes as late as you can and out as early as possible. This practice can really help. So can sweeping the script for information that’s repeated. With rare exception we should only hear something once. (“If, in the course of a screenplay Tom Dick and Harry need to be provided with the same info, tell Tom and when we get to Dick and Harry, let's assume that they've been told off camera.”)


*No doubt that things are absolutely progressing nicely, but as I'm sure you realize, to write a professional script one has to stretch to the max. There are many fine, effective bits, moments, scenes but there are other times where things seem well intended but not well thought-out enough or developed. It's so easy for writers, particularly new ones, to feel satisfied with a false sense of something working, based on a smidgen of something that does truly work rather than making it happen across the board. Don’t fool yourself with resonating big moments. It ALL needs to shine.


*To be honest, it's been years since I've seen either film and they're both a bit fuzzy in my mind, plus I'm not sure I'm totally clear on what you mean by wanting to incorporate these films into your own. I gather from your questions you mean, you just want to model your characters after those in said movies? That's a great thing to do, it's great to study how other character treatments have been done, how other writers have conveyed the complexities and dynamics of certain people in the script and handled the threads of their relationships with one another. So if you want to model your characters and their ties with each other after those shown in the film you mentioned, it's a matter of close study, of deconstructing how and why it is working in the made films, then sitting down with your own material to reshape the scenes and dialogue to reflect what you've taken from those other movies to nuance your own moments.
*My basic theory (based on plenty of experience) is this--getting your script read is NOT the problem. It's getting the script RIGHT so that when it gets read, something good happens!


*Planning a script is an act of simplifying rather than the opposite. And above all it's a blueprint for a practical, doable approach to getting something down on paper.


*In this piece of work the high-concept aspect could work well but when you get into the script itself it must, to a reasonable extent, be embedded in reality, rather than the continuation of things that are so contrived that it loses it’s credibility. When that happens, it’s hard to score.


*My suggestion is that you track your various story/character arcs, making sure that each one has a true beginning, middle and end, has surprises, pays off, and is sprinkled with eventful and meaningful scenes. I’d also consider implementing a “wraparound” wherein the movie begins at the scene of the crime and then, using flashbacks, shows how we got there, occasionally renewing the present tense dilemmas until we catch up with real time. In that way you can avoid having a script that may feel imbalanced with “nothing happening” in the first half and too much happening in the second half.


*So let me put it this way: what you have, in a way, is the best and worst of all worlds - a good concept, effective action, a worthy villain, and a protagonist with a cause. That’s a lot! But, as stated, it now needs a better sense of orchestration, confluence, continuity, and context to pull off what is a busy and ambitious piece of work. Sometimes, the more unusual and intricate a script is the more case and story management it requires.


*It’s simply a case wherein you made the classic mistake of going hog wild with comedy on top of comedy on top of comedy, without considering the important factor that the best comedy is derived from relatability and reality. That doesn’t mean that one cannot have wonderfully over-the-top and silly moments and situations, but it must, on some level, be believable and grounded in something with which we can identify.


*My main issue with the material is that I think that you try to accomplish too much: you’ve combined a mystery with comedy, and relationship-type character piece to boot. In some cases this might be a good combination, but with this script it creates a sense of disproportionality wherein the mystery aspect seems shortchanged, and the comedy-like character stuff often seems overdone and misplaced in this venue. Let me point out that displaying a sense of humor and offering a healthy portion of character interaction is not a bad garnish for a mystery. In fact, there have been many over the years that have worked fine in this department. But in this particular case something’s not quite right about it. I feel it’s a first-things-first kind of issue, where the MAIN EVENT must be properly serviced before one can spend a lot of time in other avenues. ...In other words, present a first class, believable, serious mystery, COMPLEMENTED by an intriguing character study, and everything else is FROSTING on the cake.


*I'd suggest exploring all plots and subplots via story arcs before revising. Let them pass a stringent assembly line which requires that each has a strong spine with lots of eventful scenes, surprises and purpose.


*In a nutshell, it’s too plainly written and underdeveloped and needs much more nuance, eventfulness, and invention to properly keep the ball rolling, since this is a character piece and doesn’t have a built-in gimmick type concept to keep the engine hot. This also applies in the added need to come up with more ambitious characterizations, rather than the simplistic ones that now exist.*A la potent Garden State and Lost In Translation you really need to max out scenes. Every one should have a certain dose of magic and raison d’etre. Examples of this kind of creative ambition (in and out of the script) would be scenes like the Woody Allen/Diane Keaton classic when lobsters get loose in the kitchen scene; The “suit” ranting at the hippies in The Big Lebowski “your revolution is over...condolences, the bums have lost;” and Bette Midler’s grand orgasm in Down and Out in Beverly Hills etc.


*A greater sense of the wonder of the future would be welcome, not only from a physical and technological point of view, but also from a macro-geopolitical point of view as well. Our appetites should be whetted in curiosity about where we are and what we’ve become, including the always underrated but oh so important areas of morality, religious beliefs, social justice, etc...I’m not at all saying that this becomes some kind of a preachy, didactic piece, it’s just when you hang out in this amazing territory these questions are so obviously in our minds and hearts. Also, most good sci-fi dishes this out in eclectic and fascinating helpings because it’s always welcome...so I would encourage you to make everything much BIGGER in order to live up to this ambitious vision.


*At this point, this script is disproportionally “sizzle” oriented rather than substance (story) oriented, and that ratio needs to change, as story is always the horse that pulls the cart. And not just any story. All story threads, including the main event, must have credibility/believability/relate ability. This is a great secret in the elusive pursuit of making people laugh. A guy in a chicken suit only has so much shelf space, but feasible comedy with raison d’etre, heart, poignancy, and, indeed, drama, can be eternal.


*As discussed, you sure picked a tough arena for an existential “make it or break it” moment of truth. I know about four people who could figure out how to keep a herd of people in one location shucking and jiving successfully over a two hour block of time. In my view you should pick a kinder and gentler playing field for yourself. So, it’s a tribute to your good writing, wit and insight, that you did as well as you did.


*As mentioned, I’d avoid the tendency to overwrite and overdo things, but my theory on this is that you did it because you were short on “real material”, which can cause the best and the brightest (like yourself) to overdo what they actually have. The real trick then would be to create more plot so that you don’t have to stretch.


*Both J and R need more discernible characterizations/personas SOONER rather than later. Saving the full wad of disclosure cheats the audience of their prerequisite right to have some early realization about who’s who and what’s what. To receive hints early on that we are dealing with a couple of guys who are down on their luck, fragile, vulnerable, and even desperate, automatically whets our appetite to want to know more about them. This applies in a story sense as well. Because if they’re both basically okay and only doing their normal day-to-day activities, then what’s your story franchise?...The bottom line is this: give these characters more conflict, angst, obstacles, woes, and situations, and they will automatically become more interesting, and also their dreams and goals will become more story-like because we will be worried about them, rooting for them, and wonder “what’s going to happen next?” That’s the essence of what story is about and why we continue to turn pages.


*Although there’s lots of room for good fun and spectacular action, the “crime story” must also ring true and, in its own way, be as dynamic and inventive as any effective crime story/drama whether the mother vehicle be comedy or drama. Currently, the situation is too “broad and bozo” often over-the-top, and not really all that intriguing, mysterious, or surprising. And it needs to be. What I’m suggesting to you on a macro level is to give your story and players a less simplistic ambiance and instead provide a true dramatic base that has everything: a bitchin story with legitimate twists and turns, real people, pathos, drama, intrigue and lots and lots of good buddy humor (and other humor) all packed into one exciting vehicle. If you analyze other good comedy dramas (even really funny ones) you will usually find a serious infrastructure that may not be all that obvious but is incredibly necessary. And if all comedy were predicated on just being funny, you’d be way ahead of the pack. But the fact is that it’s not. Comedy is kind of a shield for pain, angst, and tragedy, and these qualities are usually present in all good comedy offerings.


**As discussed, this script definitely shows a kind of raw promise in that there are many bits, moments, parts of scenes, and scenes that work, and also, this area of contemporary, twenty-something angst, conflict, and beingness is very movie-friendly and you seem to know the arena very well. So, I would look at what you’ve written so far as a vibrant SOURCE from which a better-crafted screenplay can be derived.
Make up your mind to employ real selectiveness and economy in the next draft. Part and parcel to this would be to reorient yourself away from a talking heads/conversational style, and instead to create a more cinematic motif where people do things and action occurs around them. It is urgent that you identify each story arc within the screenplay and then work on their “spines” before writing, making sure that they’re maxed out in terms of telling full and satisfying individual stories, however small some might be. Criteria used here includes - is there a real beginning, middle, and end? Are there surprises? Does it pay off? And are the scenes full and eventful, etc.? A screenplay is a sum of its parts. Therefore, those parts must be scrutinized, tweaked, and balanced before they all come together. (Please re-review my article “Story Story Story,” which can found on our site under “Useful and Important articles.” These prerequisites will be so important in taking your well-founded creative intentions and sensibilities and giving them form, shape, dimension, purpose, and proportionality. You could compare it to a makeover, wherein someone actually finds the right look, the right weight, the right clothes, etc., and then is truly prepared to go out in the world and do their thing successfully.


**Sharing the protagonist’s role feels awkward, as “tag-team” protagonists are not common, and for good reason (it’s hard enough making ONE protagonist work). If the story is ultimately about both of them, with a shared thematic connection, then both need to be reasonably ubiquitous (or at least well-seeded/planted) throughout most of the script so that we understand, without ambiguity, that we are dealing with a two-person “hero” situation.


**Granted, many films such as Airplane, and various Jim Carrey movies etc, are zany and often over-the-top. But they are also cagily believable in their own way, and this does not happen by accident, as comedy practitioners know how burned they can get just going for the laughs and rationalizing away the need for these other critical tenets of comedy.


**Bulkiness and the lack of a consistent and ubiquitous protagonist makes the script read almost episodically (hunky), as opposed to stories that intertwine and coalesce. I’d make sure that we are kept abreast of what’s happening across the board on a more consistent basis.**The vista herein needs to be greatly broadened a la a movie like Swingers, where a myriad of twenty-somethings’ delights and agonies are utilized, including career, dating, disillusionment, pressure, hauntings from the past, peer situations, backstories, dreams, etc., etc. I think you get the picture. Can you imagine stocking up on this kind of “creative currency” and then being able to spawn cool and eventful scenes and story arcs, (as you did with the winning scenes I referenced on the phone). In other words, the more meat on the bone, the more you have to work with the better, and, in a character piece such as yours you need lots of challenges, obstacles, and situations to keep things viable, since you don’t have car chases and serial killers to keep the plot moving.


**Screenplay writing is a craft that has many tenets that can take years and years to learn, and even then, it can be very hit and miss. These puppies only look like they’re easy to write. In this case, you need to employ some of these very basic tenets and fundamental measures to get your project “in the tent”:
I’d trim, cut, and truncate this script, a la my article “The Art of Cutting.” I’d also avoid talky, sedentary scenes, instead going for ones where there is a sense of motion, action, more plot, etc., and also employ key stage directions to enhance subtext and to provide a better sense of physicality. You need to find a way to frame this so it’s not just a diary-like potpourri of a family history. A screenplay needs a sense of a real beginning, middle, and end, context, continuity, a protagonist - the whole nine yards. You will have to experiment on the right formula for this, but the ballpark could be things we discussed such as making the last story the big one and starting off in it and using it as a “wraparound” for the whole script, meaning that it’s the dominating story that we keep coming back to. And perhaps your main player in that story can provide a consistent, narrator-like context of it and all the other family stories, which could also lay out as full and ongoing subplots. In other words, all stories are told in the same fashion across the length and the breadth of the script, but they are dominated by the main story that is complemented and given contextual meaning by these other subplots, which show a certain linkage and commonality with each other.


**The script needs to be tightened and truncated as you tend to milk sequences a bit too much. LESS almost always works better. I urge you to go to the articles section of our site (ie Useful and Important Articles) and read a short piece called “The Art of Cutting” which suggests a gentle method of handling this important issue. I’ve also marked areas on the script that I thought went on too long, but this kind of habit usually requires a philosophical change on the part of all writers who tend to write long-ish, who in my view, need to adopt an actual LIKING for economy.


The other issue is the old one with this script, namely in making it all seem as believable as possible.
In my view, reality is critical and is the real predicate for almost all comedy. As clever as your story is, there are many basic high concept “contrivances” involved which must be offset with a real effort towards making things feel as believable as possible, in and around them.


**The material that you sent me is pretty darn well written: good action, a very respectable sense of the mood and genre, and characterizations that will work even better when these urgently needed basics are implemented.
So I urge you to “lace in” the following exposition:

A timeframe.

A sense of what’s happening in the world, universe, etc.

Why and if this alien is unique (thus a sense of what the stakes are).

More info on your players, such as backstory, hopes, dreams, etc which will help make us understand their situations even better .

So in a nutshell, I would provide us with a reasonable sense of PERSPECTIVE AND CONTEXT ETC AND IN DOING SO TELL A STORY THAT’S IMPORTANT AND EVEN RELEVANT IN MANY WAYS.

**Credibility is a big issue herein. You’re in kind of a no-man’s-land. It’s neither James Bond, nor is it John le Carre . It’s got to be one or the other, and my vote is more le Carre than Bond. You simply need to give everything a kind of reality sniff-test, namely “Could this actually happen in real-life?”

**So, in my view, the solution should come in the form of the following:

A real protagonist with a clear and present situation that seems impossible to solve, etc., etc. Traditional as this may seem, sometimes tradition’s OK .

A much deeper sense of what happened, what the present “universe” herein is like, supported by juicy and dramatic flashbacks illustrating how we got here.

Part and parcel to this all, this script needs a greater sense of raison d’être, an ultimate thing, truth, goal or whatever, that needs to be achieved and will, in the process, be delightfully burdened by more conflict, angst, jeopardy, obstacles -- the whole nine yards. This includes more weighty , effectively evil and resourceful bad guys.
I can’t emphasize enough the need for this piece to have a context, overview, and focus, that gives us not only the aforementioned elements, but also a keen sense of an original and fascinating arena and perplexing situation...after all, if you close your eyes and imagine such a tenuous lifestyle/predicament etc, your mind can run away with situations, mores, nuances, etc. that push the envelope every which way in how human beings can be inventive, destructive, wonderful, awful, and everything in between, especially when the rules of existence change. Why not, then, take more advantage of this potent canvas and give us something to “write home about.”

**Since we went over it page-by-page I won’t belabor this, except to say that it’s really important to provide a little more prerequisite information so that, sooner rather than later, we have a better sense of who’s who and what’s what. After all, this is a very unusual and eclectic situation, venue, and population, and without a sense of focus and/or cohesion, it’s easy to spend more time trying to figure out what’s happening than on just enjoying the ride.

**So an honest, tangible, linear and dominant thru-line will help a lot in supporting the plethora of unusual things that “surround” it. Not to mention the need to always provide an ample sense of cohesion, context, perspective and connectedness to give this puppy the ease and fluidity that it deserves.

**It’s simply lacking the “normal” tenets of most theatrical productions in terms of way too subtle motivation on the part of the protagonist, a lack of a sense of why one goes in a given direction, etc., etc. I suggest that you work out a PLAN, prior to revision, as to how to upgrade this basic area. I’d go with some kind of outline that, on a beat-by-beat basis, delineates the hopefully ascending story trajectory and the respective motivations, particularly those of your protagonist.

**All good comedy, even that which is directed towards children, is enhanced by a reality base. Broad comedy, without this base, does not have much of a shelf-life, particularly in the long form. This project has a four hundred year-old history, deeply embedded in meaningful hot spots of the human condition. Why not, therefore, broaden things in the setup, and in the characterizations, and be funny and silly to the max, but still include and embrace these other aspects and levels.

**The tone of the piece is inconsistent. My vote is to place this more in the drama/thriller bag, rather than too much tongue in cheek, particularly at the beginning of the script which kind of ‘sets the dial’ for what it is.

**Please cap all characters only when introduced in the narrative. Also “bracketing” (quick little and occasional slugline reminders of where we were last time in a given subplot) will help us keep track of things as well as an occasional “summary” (disguised list built into dialogue of “where we’re at” at any given time).

**Generally speaking, you tend to write more character stuff and what I call “texture” than story/plot. In this script, it feels somewhat disproportionate! With too much texture one can get lost here and there, since story is what usually keeps our noses pointed in the right direction.

**The funniest writers on God’s earth still need a keen sense of reality, relatability, normalcy and even poignancy and drama in their scripts. Is this “rule” ever broken? Sure. But most of the time, the result of these digressions is failure, and often just on a developmental level, since material that’s gratuitously funny and lacks the other needed elements usually ends up on the dust pile. The trick is to create multidimensional situations and amply utilize the honest tragic-comedic human condition as the predicate of things to come.

In other words, reality is very much the comedy writer’s friend.

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