HOLLYWOODSCRIPT.COM CONTEST WINNER

Date: June 7, 2006

Title: "HEATHENS AND CHICKENS"

Author: Dale Taylor

Submitted to: Hollywoodscript.com

Format: SP

Pages: 105

Time: Present

Locale: New York

Genre: Comedy

LOGLINE: Nathan, a meek, working stiff, with dreams he’s too afraid to pursue, is on a collision course with a beautiful woman who seemingly has no inhibitions. When the strangers meet, the eruption sends shock waves through Nathan’s humdrum life and gives him the wake-up call he’s been searching for all his life.

QUICK COMMENT-never-stop-for-a-breath, eclectic and hilarious odyssey, full of funny situations, off-the-wall comedy, and many big, memorable block comedy scenes. It’s a great ride in the tradition of Something Wild and Along Came Polly.

Concept: Very good

Characterization: Excellent

Dialogue: Excellent

Story Line: Very good

Setting/Prod. Values: Very good

SYNOPSIS:

NATHAN has problems. He’s bullied by his boss, by his landlord, and when he gets home, he’s antagonized by his “holier than thou, bible thumping” girlfriend EVELYN. Not only that, but he strikes out repeatedly in his quest to become a comic book artist. In fact, the only thing that gives Nathan pleasure… is Nathan’s hand.

Living a life of quiet desperation, Nathan is a chump who works his nine to five like every other working stiff and is careful not to cross any lines that may make him stand out. He checks the dates on milk cartons before buying them, gives up his seat to old ladies and, when at work, hopelessly dreams about living the life of an artist in Argentina, where the wine flows freely and the beautiful women tango the sultry nights away.

But instead of a piazza and a senorita there’s just increasing celibacy with Evelyn preaching the gospel and ragging on his best friend, pseudo, ultra cool JAMIE.

After a particularly bad moment with Evelyn, (after she shows up unannounced and in his face), he hangs out with his buddy:

JAMIE
OK so talk to me – what the hell is up with you and Evelyn?
(trying to be discreet)
She still… holding out on you?

He only needs to give Jamie a look for him to know the truth.

JAMIE (cont’d)
Oh come on what’s the deal with her? She found religion no you gotta be celibate? Shit… (he picks up his beer) I liked her better when she was an alcoholic.

After yet another frustrating day, Nathan rushes home to be at peace with himself. While in his bedroom taking care of “business,” there’s a knock at the door. He creeps to the door stark naked and to his horror, sees that it’s Evelyn coming to pay him (yet another) surprise visit. No way he’s going to let her in but he quickly remembers, that in a weak moment, he gave her the key to his apartment. Without much time to think he leaps behind the sofa as Evelyn enters. But reminiscent of prison light after a break, Evelyn turns on every switch in the joint and soon finds Nathan, hiding behind the sofa with his arms covering his head, huddled in a couch blanket

EVELYN
Nathan, what are you doing down there?

NATHAN
(busted beyond belief)
Oh hi honey… I uh… I fell asleep. Didn’t hear you come in.

EVELYN
You fell asleep behind the sofa??
Nathan thinks fast. There’s only one way out of this.

NATHAN
I was… Praying. And uh, I was doing it so hard I fell asleep
At first Evelyn melts with joy at Nathan finally getting the message but that quickly dissipates when yet another argument ensues and Nathan locks himself in the bathroom to finish what he started earlier. But of course Evelyn screws that up too when she somehow busts into the bathroom and catches Nathan in the act of playing a little “five on one.”

EVELYN
Heathen!! How could you??
A long beat as he tries to hide his out of control boner under the toilet seat.

NATHAN
(with somber innocence)
How could I what?

Needless to say Evelyn leaves her blasphemous beau and his life descends into near chaos. But eventually with no place else to turn, he calls Evelyn and begs her to help him. She decides the proper thing to do would be to help poor Nathan and refers him to holy man PHIL, a member of her congregation who runs a group for evildoing men with “the sickness”.

After weeks of therapy, Nathan’s life seems to be returning to its normal, mundane self. But he can’t look himself in the mirror anymore. He’s depleted and suffering.

One sunny Saturday afternoon Nathan leaves his apartment and is on his way to the group meeting when his life is changed forever when he bumps into VICTORIA, who is an absolute bombshell. She’s a woman lost and in need of direction… as it turns out-in many ways. An instantly smitten Nathan realizes she’s actually looking for his building and he is more than happy to help. After her friend (Nathan’s neighbor, the one Victoria was going to stay with) is nowhere to be found Nathan lets Victoria use his phone. To Victoria’s dismay, she finds out her friend is not only not there, but she won’t even be back in town until after she’s scheduled to leave. Thus far Nathan has known Victoria for a total of about five minutes:

VICTORIA
(to Nathan)
Can I use your bathroom?

She’s already on her way there when Nathan responds.

NATHAN
Uh, sure… Make yourself at…

SLAM! The door closes. Nathan can hear things banging around in his bathroom, as he cautiously moves closer to the door. Something in the bathroom CRASHES down. Sounds like the medicine cabinet. Nathan doesn’t have a clue what’s going on.

As Victoria reels off a litany of her predicaments and problems off stage, Nathan can hear everything from water splashing all over the floor to Victoria in there snaking the toilet, to her suddenly taking a shower!
Not knowing what to do, Nathan sits politely and waits. The shower stops. The bathroom door opens and a cloud of steam oozes out. Victoria sticks her head out of the door.

VICTORIA
Hey… what’s your name again?

NATHAN
Uh, Nathan?

VICTORIA
Hi Nathan, I’m Victoria. I hope you don’t mind but I kinda used your toothbrush. Don’t worry, I washed it off good.

Nathan looks at her in disbelief.

VICTORIA
Do you have any fresh towels?

This is the beginning of a beautiful yet tumultuous acquaintance between these two. Victoria is a woman in distress, who’s searching for her father, and now, with her friend being out of town, is alone. Victoria promptly invites herself to stay in Nathan’s apartment until she can figure out what to do. Nathan, playing the chivalrous man he actually is offers to help her find her dad and she proceeds to take him on the journey of a lifetime.

Nathan’s first indication that the road ahead may get a little hectic is when he witnesses his dream girl fleecing a couple of rowdy and downright obnoxious drunks at a local bar:

VICTORIA
(to Drunks)
So lemme guess, you two are a couple of local gayboys who live to get hammered and make asses of themselves for the new girls in town. Right?

DRUNK #1
Oh I’ll show you how gay I am. I-

VICTORIA
(blows the drunks off)
Yea, whatever, look, how’s about we skip over all the bullshit back and forth banter and just lay it all out on the table. What do you want?

After finding out what the Drunks want (which was no surprise in the first place) Victoria decides to challenge them to a drinking contest (much to their pleasure and everyone else’s horror). She even makes the bet well worth their while. She puts her body up against what little dignity the Drunks have left. She outdrinks them and outclasses them, and the Drunks, now wearing heavy makeup, end up in diapers on the street barking like dogs (much to the delight of the bar patrons who gawk and take pictures).

In addition to this, over a very short period of time, Victoria manages to involve Nathan in many precarious situations. He is:

-Attacked by the cops just before starting a riot at a hospital

-Mistaken for a pimp

-Involved in a low speed chase while being pursued by state troopers

-Almost killed in an apartment full of drug dealers (after Victoria mistakenly smokes what she thought was “complimentary ganja provided to guests of the drug den”

All this happens while Evelyn and Phil try pulling Nathan back to the status quo, while he scrupulously avoids her calls and uncharacteristically walks out of Phil’s group meeting. In fact, he’s not even taking his 9 to 5 as seriously as he once did! How could he when Victoria keeps him so busy and..almost always in trouble.

A rattled Nathan confides in Jamie that although his life has been turned completely upside down, he doesn’t want to pull the plug, and admits that even though he seems to be facing some form of danger every minute he’s with her, she actually makes him feel very alive.

And this is despite one more thing: Victoria’s psycho ex-boyfriend shows up in New York to find her NO MATTER WHAT, to take her back with him and the only one standing in the way is... Nathan, who will be taken to the brink, forcing him to decide just who he wants to be.

COMMENTS:
This is one of those comedies that’s both relatable, engaging, and very funny, all at the same time. A star vehicle, Nathan is a wonderfully sympathetic everyman ,who suffers more than his share of the indignities of contemporary living. And although he tries like hell to keep a lid on his anxiety and anger, every so often it all boils over, such as when he beats the daylights out of his antiquated and overly-hot building radiator which, even in a state of total destruction, still dutifully pumps out a tsunami of oppressive heat. This is a real metaphor for Nathan’s entire existence, which never seems to be on the right track.

Meeting up with Victoria is both an act of grace and also a “punishment from God,” in the sense that she can bring out the very best in this hungry dude while usually risking his life, all at the very same time.

All of this is housed in a never-stop-for-a-breath, eclectic and hilarious odyssey, full of funny situations, off-the-wall comedy, and many big, memorable block comedy scenes. It’s a great ride in the tradition of Something Wild and Along Came Polly.

TO CONTACT WRITER DIRECTLY:
daletaylor1@gmail.com